I mean, but, really . . .

Can I get a show of hands, please? 

I would like to know how many of you out there are able to do “it all.” 

By “it all” I mean the following: 

-          Maintain a home that is beautifully decorated, but also meticulously cleaned, daily, with Soft Scrub, and a steam cleaner, and a power washer. 

-          Do the laundry – sort, wash, dry, fold, hang, put away. Repeat. Daily. 

-          Your dishwasher should always have JUST been unloaded. 

-          Make nutritious meals that are simultaneously organic, paleo, easy, and affordable. Or else be judged by the other moms at Dillons who do NOT have frozen pizza in their carts.

 

-          Maintain an active and interesting  internet presence – facebook, twitter, blog, instagram, whatever-the-h-LinkedIn is, Pinterest, etc. 

-          Give your children cultural experiences that include theater and trips to museums

-          Read to your children. For 200 hours a day. Do flashcards with your toddler. Make sure your 5 year old is reading on a 4^th grade level. If they can’t count in atleast 3 languages by the time they are in preschool you have failed parenting. 

-          Wear makeup, but don’t make it look like you are wearing makeup – that’s trashy. 

-          Do your hair. Washing and air drying doesn’t count. Apparently this is only step one – of 700. Use ‘product’ and a blow dryer and heat styler and be prepared to be judged by the girl who cuts your hair if you don’t. 

-          Dress nice. Never  admit that you bought something at Target or Old Navy (especially not if it was on clearance). Always shop at boutiques, carry a designer handbag, and don’t wear the same pair of shoes more than once a month. BUT do all of this without spending all your money on clothes.

-           NEVER let your children watch more than 17 minutes of television. If you must, it should be PBS . . . preferably in another language . . . 

-          Take amazing vacations. Twice a year. Bring a professional photographer. 

-          Speaking of photographers: you should be taking family portraits quarterly. PROFESSIONAL family portraits. With coordinated outfits. In a field of wildflowers. And on a bridge. With your well behaved pets. 

-          Pets: need to be well fed, walked twice daily (document this on instagram, natch), bathed often, and adored by your children. They should never make noise. Or messes. Ever. E-V-E-R. 

 

-          Work out like you are training for the Olympics. Seriously, though. If you aren’t running half marathons and cutting 2 inches of body fat per week you should just hide in your sweatpants and never leave your house again. How embarrassing. 

-          Throw amazing birthday parties for everyone. Attend birthday parties for your children’s friends.

-           Be crafty. Make amazing things like Martha is watching you.

 -   Have a date night with your husband once a week. 

 - and your kids should be involved - very involved - in activities. They should dominate whatever sport(s) they are playing, also. 

-          Make sure that every time you visit a doctor’s office, for yourself or your children, the report back is perfect. No cavities, stay up to date on immunizations, never need medication. 

-          Have friends. Have a regular girls night. 

-          HAVE A JOB. That deserves a whole other post on how to be a perfect employee. Especially as a teacher because that means you are on call via email 24/7 for 10 months a year.  Respond promptly, appropriately, politely, lovingly, firmly, and informatively to every email within 12 minutes. And teach children. Teach them well. Get amazing test scores. Be kind, but firm. Be well liked, inspire excellence, and never ever raise your voice or make someone cry.

Holy Moly. I’m exhausted and stressed just thinking about this list. I feel like this is what is expected of moms these days. At least according to the internet. 

Confession: I’m not keeping up. I’m not even working right now (stop sneering – school starts in a few weeks and I’ll go back ‘on call’) and I can maybe do three of those things simultaneously. Maybe. But not the Soft Scrub – that stuff is from Satan.

If you checked every box on this list – you are a liar. If you are not a liar then you are taking Jessie Spano’s pills from the “I’m So Excited” episode of Saved By the Bell. And I want some, so please share.